STAR WARS Episode III Mixed Messages Of The Temptress

When we last left our hero and heroine, Senator Amidala had spurned the advances of young Anakin Skywalker, but he was unmoved.  We have seen her throughout the saga so far wearing enough fabric to upholster a large set of furniture and enough jewelry to fill a pawn shop.  Here are a few examples:

queen montage

Since wearing too much clothing and poo-pooing Anakin’s advances didn’t work.  Padme decides to try a different approach.   Anakin is sworn to protect her, so what better place to go than her picturesque and romantic home planet of Naboo:


When they arrive, Padme shucks the fabric store for more feminine if somewhat skimpy attire.  Sure to turn away any young and virile would be lovers. Yes Anakin, girls are very soft.  Hey! Buddy! My eyes are up here! 


The half dress that Padme is wearing is more tempation than young Ani can stand, so he just has to touch her to see in fact if girls really are soft .


And then, in a bold move, Padme lets Ani give her a kiss.  I really don’t understand her motives here if she’s trying to give this whiny loser the brush off, but whatever.  She’s the smart one, right?  Who am I to judge.


Crap!  What the hell was I thinking?  That was really stupid.  Wish I had some Jedi mind tricks so I could make him forget that ever happened.


Realizing that she can’t unkiss him, Padme decides a nice unromantic picnic in a very ugly field of flowers is just the trick to put him firmly in the friend zone.  Wearing a frothy flower child get up with large, macrame headphones should help.


That’s better.  A little food, a little witty banter, some frolicking in the grass,…..wait! What are you doing?  Why are you on top of him?  You are so stupid!  This isn’t going to turn out well.  Just who elected you Queen of this planet anyway?


In the next scene, Padme and Ani are enjoying some (forbidden?) fruit, and this time she has bare shoulders. Maybe the beaded scarf and the metal head band are supposed to be a turn off, but what man can resist a good clavicle?  He probably didn’t even notice the accessories.


She is totally impressed with his Jedi fruit slicing skills, and shows a little too much enthusiasm, encouraging him.


Now it’s nighttime, and Padme has unwisely shed another layer.  Here we see Padme and Ani lounging by a roaring and romantic fire, as he speaks of the torture she’s putting him through.  She looks pained herself, but we all know she’s loving every minute of this….bitch.


Let me see if I understand what’s going on here.  You’re a powerful world leader.  People respect you and love you for your brains, personality and finesse as a diplomat. So, to discourage the amorous intentions of a young man who not only lives like a monk, but has been carrying a torch for you since childhood; you sit down with him beside a roaring fire, dressed like a dominatrix and tell him, with ample breasts heaving that this ship just ain’t sailing. Yep, that’s pretty much it.  Do I see nipple there?  Man, you are a heartless one aren’t you?


Okay, that’s enough for today.  I just can’t take it any more.  This love story will have to continue when I’ve given my brain a good washing and bleaching.

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13 thoughts on “STAR WARS Episode III Mixed Messages Of The Temptress

  1. Again, hilarious! I know – the romantic scenes in these movies made me want to stick my finger down my throat! And the guy who played Anakin, never seen him before or since. Has he been in anything else? Poor Natalie Portman is such a good actress, but I guess this did help her to get her start. I loved her in “Garden State” with Zach Braff…

    • LOL. It’s so funny, after this seen where she’s wearing the black corset thing, she goes back to wearing couch upholstery unless she’s wearing her badass fighting jumpsuit. Maybe Lucas thought his audience was too stupid to understand why Anakin was so tempted by her, so he had to throw her scantily clad bod and teasing in our face. I dunno. When watching the movies just for this purpose, I realized later that believe it or not, it actually got worse. More ridiculous, and like Cathy previously said, made me want to stick my finger down my throat. The dialogue is priceless. I’m so glad I have those subtitles to give this series the rich deep meaning it deserves….ppppfffftt. I’ll try and finish this up soon. I don’t want to prolong anyone’s agony.

  2. Am I the only one who doesn’t like Nat Portman? I didn’t see this film, but I saw Black Swan, and as a real ballet dancer, I was pretty pissed to see her pretend to dance. Anyway, I love YOU, and that’s all that matters. Hope you have a wonderful 2013!

    • Aw, thanks! I can take her or leave her. But I didn’t think she was great in these movies and I had a very hard time with The Black Swan. She was fabulous in V for Vendetta though. I love that movie. Happy New Year to you too!

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