STAR WARS Episode II~ The Leering Lothario

As we continue with the implausible romance of Padme Amidala and Anikin Skywalker, we are at least comforted by the fact that they are now both adults….Sort of.

The man-boy Anikin is now played by Hayden Christensen, who looks like he is still much younger than Natalie Portman-who doesn’t appear to have aged at all. The two actors are the same age in real life, according to IMDB.

He seems pretty stoked to see his dream girl of childhood, and the story has advanced ten years since we last saw them.


Padme, no longer queen, is now a senator of The Republic, and still looks rather overdressed and super important.  She is surprised to see Anikin all (sort of) grown up.


Through a series of wacky mis-adventures, plot holes and intrigue, we discover that even though Padme is one of the most important people in the galaxy who requires constant protection from evil-doers, the Jedi assign none other than the inept loose cannon Anikin Skywalker to take care of her. He whines about how he’s been mistreated.  Waaa-haaa-haaa!


Oh boy.  Could I have been assigned a more pathetic loser for a body guard?  Really?  I’m Padme Amidala!  Oh-my F and G!


Um, yeah.  We can see the romance building here.  It’s written all over her face that this guy doesn’t have any idea what he’s doing.  He has to reiterate the fact that he has passed puberty and and had ten years of Jedi training.  Yep, he’s the right man for the job. Her first attempt to shut him down is unsuccessful:


He is oblivious to the fact that this romance he wants is a bad idea.  A really bad idea.  Gotta give the guy a little credit for trying.  She’s clearly out of his league.  She sees that letting him down easy just isn’t working.  She tries a more direct approach:


Buddy!  She doesn’t want any! Give it up already!  Jedi are gluttons for punishment, apparently.  He is nonplussed by her elaborately dressed cold shoulder.


Puppy dog eyes, cute Padwan pigtails, come on lady, work with me here!  I’m using all my best moves!


There you have it. Burn!  Shut down!  Right?  He certainly must have gotten the message by now. Wait, look at that face!  What a creeper!


Ewwwww and more ewww!  That’s not love, that’s just creepy.  It looks like hope is strong with this one.  Barf.

Please return later for the next mind bending series of unlikely events in this ill fated love story.

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20 thoughts on “STAR WARS Episode II~ The Leering Lothario

  1. “Ewwwww and more ewww! That’s not love, that’s just creepy.” You are so right! You like to torture yourself, don’t you. 😉

    By the way, I’m passing out Cheeky Diva Awards (and others) at my place today.

  2. Pingback: STAR WARS Episode III Mixed Messages Of The Temptress « The Cheeky Diva

  3. Pingback: STAR WARS Episode I The Preposterous Romance « The Cheeky Diva

  4. CD,
    These are hysterical and you’ve summed up nicely my own feelings about SW I-III. George Lucas should definitely have quit while he was ahead! I like James Earl Jones much better!

    • I know Anakin and Padme had to hook up to move the story along, but come on..he’s just such a tool. Ha ha. Can’t help myself. We watched the first four in order this weekend. (I’ve got a nasty cold, and didn’t feel like doing much else) It’s amazing how much more pure, simple and entertaining the original Star Wars was and continues to be. It holds up very well when compared to these overblown, CGI infused prequels.

      • I so agree. I’ve got a nasty cold this weekend, too. Had all these things I wanted to get done and instead I’ve spent most of the weekend on the couch. SW would be a good way to get through it. A client loaned me her copy of Ken Burn’s National Parks. We’ve been watching that – great BTW (and Denver kicking the pants off KC).

  5. I’d forgotten how disappointing these movies were. Thanks for bringing back the disappointment and the feelings of having something sacred turned into an abomination. Thanks a lot, Cheeky! Who’s going back to therapy? ME!

    • Wow! How many lives I ruin with my big fat mouth. My lardy ass cuts a wide swath, does it not? I wonder how many of those who are real live members of the Church Of The Jedi felt about these movies.

      • My son wanted to legally change his name to Luke Skywalker when he was a young Padawan learner. I refused his request. Kids….

        We just wrapped up the sixology this morning. Watched Empire Strikes Back last night and Return Of The Jedi this morning–I know, we’re totally lame..but Mr. C remarked that what’s missing from the prequel trilogy is the humor, the campyness and the warmth of the first three. The new ones just take themselves way too seriously, trying to be an epic saga. I tend to agree with him.

      • As comic foils go, Jar Jar has got to be one of the worst. Even a younger Yoda fails to charm. But watching TESB today, he appeared to be almost senile and very muppet like. But I still prefer this to the why-so-serious Yoda in the prequels.

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