Pioneer Newlyweds ~ A Romantic Monday Post

photo credit Etsy

photo credit Etsy

After a long day in the sun beating rugs, hanging laundry and churning butter, Catherine was pretty tired and in no mood to be toyed with.  She didn’t hear her husband return from town on his horse, probably due to the deafening BOREDOM this new married life had filled her with.

She was surprised  when she went back into the cabin to see him standing there in the spacious living – dining room slash kitchen or whatever you want to call it, as it was all one room anyway.

Home, home on the range.

“Hi Honey cakes!” she said.  “How nice to see you.  I didn’t expect you back so soon.”  She dropped her basket of laundry and went over to hug him.  “You smell funny.”

“I just took a bath with that new soap you made me.  Are you sure you did it right?” Johnny answered.

“I used plenty of lard and beef tallow, just like your Ma told me to.  You took a bath?  Did you save that water?  The ox died today, and I was gonna boil it  and make us a fine stew as soon as I git it skinned. No time to go to the well and fetch more water now.”

“I saved it, Puddin, that sounds lovely!   I love a fine dead oxen stew.  You were still sleeping when I left this morning, you look right purty in the same dress I’ve seen you wear every day for the last week.”

“Why land sakes, Johnny.  You do flatter me, don’t you?”  Catherine said, blushing.

“Where is everyone?” Johnny said, looking around.

“Your Ma and Pa are in the field, Grammy has been in the garden all afternoon looking for her teeth, and your Grandpa has decided to chop down that old oak tree and whittle it into toothpicks.  I think all of your brothers and sisters are at the river, trying to catch trout with their bare hands or some such nonsense.”

“Good!  I have a couple of surprises, first, look in that there box.” Johnny pointed to a box on the big table.

“Oh my!  It’s a chocolate cake!  How wonderful.” Catherine said, reaching out to sneak a little frosting with her finger.


“No, no no no NO!” Johnny said, grabbing her hand.

“Why Johnny! What’s the matter with you?”

“Don’t eat that!  Any of it! You hear me?” He had a devilish look in his eye.

“What on Earth are you talking about?  Why not?”

“It’s got sleeping powder in it.  If’n everyone but you and I eat it, they’ll be dead as a doornail until sun up tomorrow, so you and I won’t have to sneak out to the barn to make whoopee.” He said, winking.

“How thoughtful and romantic of you, Darling.” She had to give him points for that, but making whoopee in the loft where all nine of them slept together on mattresses filled with straw didn’t sound much better even though the family would be comatose. She hoped her wan smile wouldn’t give away her feelings  that just a sliver of that  chocolate cake would have been infinitely more tempting.

“So, you said there was another surprise, what is it?” Catherine said, shifting focus from their upcoming amorous adventure.

“Looky here, my little cornhusk doll.” Johnny proudly held up a piece of paper marked LAND DEED. “I done got us a homestead.  We now have 160 acres all to ourselves.  As soon the crops are in the ground, Pa, Grampa, and my brothers and I are gwina build us a fine home out of them  mud bricks we’ve been curing all spring in the smoke house. ”

Catherine’s crest fell with such a loud thud she was sure Johnny must have heard it.  160 acres?  160 acres of absolutely nothing to look at, no one to talk to.  160 acres of land to “farm” perish the thought, with no one but Johnny.  She could see in her mind’s eye Johnny behind a plow, cracking a whip as she pulled it , bit in her teeth, blinders on.

But she loved him dearly, this idiot frontier man.  She wanted to please him.  So, she reminded herself that once the fine sod house was built with those smelly bricks, they would have their peace and finally some privacy.  Until they filled up their little house on the prairie with a herd  of idiot children of their own, they would never have to sneak off to the barn or drug someone to make whoopee.


Now don’t go ruining this story for yourself by worrying about it’s historical accuracy.  That will just suck all the fun right out of it, and nobody likes a fun-sucker. 

More of today’s Romantic Monday Posts:


Pouring My Art Out

Edward Hotspur


Inkinetica Poetry

Sage Doyle

Blue Girl Poems

H E Ellis

Romantic Mondays Past

35 thoughts on “Pioneer Newlyweds ~ A Romantic Monday Post

  1. I want to smell like lard and beef tallow…
    It is funny how we romanticize the past. We think of knights in white castles… but they were cold, dirty and smelly places to live.
    But you managed to show roamance blosoming between people even while you sucked the romance out of an era…

    • So glad you liked it! My husband read it and asked where the inspiration came from. I was just thinking last night about whether or not he’d still find me attractive if we lived in a world where we wore the same clothes day after day and only bathed once a week. One random silly thought led to another, and the story of Catherine and Idiot Johnny was born. Maybe it’s time to adjust my medication.

    • You are so craaaazyyy! What is in the water out there? Sorry, you’ll just have to fill in the details my friend. I never gave “Brazilians” or circumcision a thought when I was writing this. Jeez-you crack me up.

  2. I like this story! Imagine having to drug your family to have boom-boom! It’s a wonder they had any children at all. I like how it starts out on a depressing note but finishes with love conquers all. I would NOT have wanted to live during that time. Backpacking for a week and a half is as far as I would take hardships like that…and I’m not even sure about that!

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