Let’s get started, shall we?
Hello Readers! Let me start by saying “Thank You!” To all who sent letters asking for advice. So this post doesn’t get too long in the tooth, I’ll answer just a handful of yesterday’s submissions, and will continuing helping other readers today as they pose more questions in the comments. If you submitted a letter, I promise I will try my best to answer it at some point during this Holiday season, even if you don’t see it on today’s post.
Let’s start with our first letter……
Dear Cheeky Diva,
I apologize if this letter reeks of desperation, but I’ve got nowhere left to turn. The holiday season has hit my neighbourhood like a tsunami of lights, sparkles, and Christmas glitter, and I’m drowning in it.
My neighbour and I are embroiled in an ongoing war of outdoor decoration one-upmanship that’s getting uglier by the day. We both have elaborate Christmas displays, but he’s always trying to make his home and yard look better than mine. Each time I hang a new string of Christmas lights, he strings up two. I set out some twinkling candy canes on my porch, and he puts up a pack of glowing reindeer. I put up an inflatable Santa Claus, and he erects a complete North Pole village.
My male psyche will not permit me to be outdone, but it’s now taking a toll on my family. I’ve invested thousands of dollars in new decorations, but it’s never enough. Tonight I’ll be setting out a complete nativity scene, and I’ve had to tell my kids that they might need to forego a few Christmas presents so I can pay for the live sheep and baby ducks. Plus there’s apparently some sort of city ordinance against having a live camel on my property which could result in some rather hefty fines, but I’m willing to take my chances.
Last night it turned violent. I caught him cutting two extension cords that power the Christmas train that encircles my yard, which led to a heated argument during which I had no choice but to stab his inflatable carolers in the throat with a pair of garden shears. We both have a court date next Wednesday.
Do you have any advice? He’s been threatening to erect a life-size Santa’s workshop made out of gingerbread, and I’m afraid that my only option might be to set fire to his house.
Yours truly,
Adlibb3d
Click here to read Adlibb3d’s blog
Well, Adlibb, arson is a nasty business, and who will make the money to power your outlandish display if you are in prison? I cannot condone such a thing. Here is what I recommend. Let him be the big winner this year. Make nice. That will cause him to let his guard down. Pal around with him and find out when he’s going on vacation. You take your vacation at the same time. While he’s away, very stealthily staple running rope lights underneath the laps in the siding on your house. Under every single scrap, do you hear me??? Don’t say a word about it. He won’t know what hit him until next Christmas season, when your entire house lights up, blinding the entire neighborhood. By then, he won’t possibly be able to catch up, unless of course he decides to set his own house on fire to out-do you, causing him to go to prison for arson, or at least increasing the likelihood that he will have to move. If that doesn’t happen, at least you’ll have one win under your belt and your neighbor will be humbled by your awesome powers of YesI’mbetterthanyou.
Our next letter comes from my old pal Adam, from My Right To Bitch:
Deer Diva,
I have sort of a dilemma. My budget for this Christmas is $22, and I have 75 people to buy for. I’m really trying to maximize my dollar here. I’m not sure what to do for all the people on my gift list? If you can come up with an economical solution, I’ll be sure to add you to the list…
*Determined in Detroit*
Click here to read
My Right To Bitch
Adam, my friend! Fear not. You told me yesterday that you are a hoarder collector, so don’t worry about being able to give all 75 of your closest friends and relatives a nice gift. To bring everyone up to speed, you also told me you were “crafty” and I told you to assemble 75 smallish containers. You only need a little money, and a good amount of time for this, as you will be “re-purposing” these containers into lovely hand crafted trinkets that will be treasured and passed down for generations to come. You will need some supplies though. If you don’t have the following things, please go out and buy them as soon as you can, cause that calendar ain’t moving backwards. Am I right? Ok, here’s what you need. Masking tape, shoe polish and some festive holiday stickers. That’s it!!! Take the masking tape and tear it off the roll in little bits. Stick the little bits all over your container in a haphazard “shabby chic” fashion. When the container is all covered, rub it with a paper towel dipped in shoe polish. When dry, slap on one of them fancy Holiday stickers you bought. Repeat 74 times, and voila! Christmas shopping complete! Now isn’t that pretty? Just tell me who doesn’t appreciate a homemade gift?
Bee-you-tee-full!!!
Our next letter is from another Word Press Darling…
Dear Cheeky Diva
Despite being a staunch atheist, I enjoy Christmas decorations, movies and, most importantly, music. I love Christmas songs, especially the ones performed by a choral group. Some people feel I am being hypocritical somehow by embracing certain aspects of a holiday whose basis is religious. What is the most appropriate response to these allegations? Am I being a hypocrite?
Click here to read Calahan’s blog
Mr. Calahan. This is a much more serious and thought provoking question than most of the others I’ve received so far. But it is definitely worthy of an answer. I’m sure you are like many in the world who love all the sights, sounds and other delights of the Holiday, without sharing an appreciation for it’s true meaning. I’m going to tread lightly here, as not to offend my friends and readers of any (or no) faith. I think that even if Jesus isn’t your guy, that the principles he taught can be used by all of us in our daily lives to become shiny happy people. Being tolerant and giving, and loving your fellow man are concepts that we should all try to adopt, regardless of our religious views.
That being said, feel free to be a hypocrite. Christmas has been celebrated in secular, commercial and even crass ways for a very long time. In the Middle Ages, survivors of the Black Plague felt blessed and thankful to be alive so they could regift last year’s fruitcake. In America, the Pilgrims celebrated Christmas by holding the first ever Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And more than one pioneer set his sod house ablaze trying to out do his neighbor down the road by putting too many candles on his grass covered roof. ( See Adlibb3d’s letter)
So, while you are out shopping for a singing fish stuck on a plaque, wearing your ugliest Christmas sweater, enjoy the droning musak that wafts through the wide open spaces of your local shopping mall. Nothing is more festive than hearing Old Blue Eyes sing that Christmas is a better Holiday than Labor Day.
The Cheeky Diva 
Abby who? Cheeky is my go-to source for practical and logical, if not slightly sarcastic advice.
Of course she is! Oh gawd! She’s referring to herself in the third person now.
That means that she is TRULY a diva.
Brava, Cheeky Diva, Brava! (Claps, loudly!)
Thank you! So glad you like. Hope to get lots of quirky questions today. Did I handle Calahan’s okay? That was pretty cheeky of him, to throw in a serious and possibl volatile question at me.
Yes, you handled that beautifully – with a dash of humor. I think you’re ready for whatever comes your way, you brave girl.
Why do you think this morning’s breakfast menu was Bloody Mary’s AND Screwdrivers? I AM ready for anything. GULP!
Ah, the Bloody Mary and Screwdriver food group. Well at least you’re getting your side of vegetables and Vitamin C!
Youbetcha! Can’t neglect nutrition just for the sake of self-medication.
🙂
excellent and entertaining advice — I have one more question– toilet paper–the end–should it be under or over–was a big question in Ann Landers’ time
I think the toilet paper question will dog mankind until the end of time, which if memory serves, is just a few days away, so we won’t have to worry about it anymore.
I’m so glad you stopped by! I really wanted to answer your question from yesterday. When a simple, inexpensive “thank you” or “you’re special” gift is required, I always choose to give an edible item. Homemade “puppy chow” in festive plaid paper bags with 101 Dalmations stickers were a big hit when my children gave them as gifts to their teachers and little friends.
Of course, you may want to use a more book related theme, but a handful of something to munch on while you’re curled up with a favorite book is always a winner.
🙂
I like that and it would surprise the “Dickens” out of my group as I am known as someone who does not bake much–but I make a pretty good fudge–so maybe that is what I will do – thank so much
Anytime! Thanks for playing along! 🙂
hey, that was a serious question and I am still waiting to see which side you come down on re: the toilet paper controversy
I can’t really answer that one with any authority. Because, I live in an old home with a recently remodeled bathroom. As of yet, I have not chosen a new toilet paper holder, so in true Mid Western Redneck fashion, my toilet paper sits on the bathroom counter. BUT~ I am saving all the old rolls for a craft project I saw on Pinterest.
that is a good enough answer — we have a roll holder but the toilet paper ends up on the bathroom counter a great deal of the time
Around our house, a typical comment at this time of year is “It must be Christmas, everybody’s pissed off”. I wish I had gotten in on the Christmas advice letter so maybe I could have prevented that this year. Sigh. It’s not to be.
Oh, you’re not too late my friend! I’m taking letters and questions all month long! I will post a new column every Sunday. If you wish to post your question today in the comments, please do by all means. If you wish to be anonymous, please use the contact form on my About page.
As far as everybody being pissed off? The key to that is to prepare as many recipes containing liquour as possible in the coming weeks. Even if it’s only for your own personal use. Then you can deal with your family through a warm and fuzzy Holiday haze of buzz filled joy!
This is exactly what I needed to kick off my holiday season. Very handy answers, indeed. I really liked the third one. You are SO fricken right. How can someone be so damned right ALL the time? Oh yeah. You’re a mom.
The toilet paper roll . . . may I?
The paper comes over the top of the roll. In my house, I let him do whatever he wants in the basement bathroom. But upstairs, we put the roll on the CORRECT way.
Thank you jean! For your lovely comments and for your view on the age old toilet paper debate. How can I be right all the time? That’s an easy one! I just completely ignored the questions that I couldn’t possibly answer correctly. 😉
Good call, as always.
You are seriously weird. No wonder I like you so much. And reading this made me realize that you may be the only person on the planet qualified to solve any of my problems. So I am going to come to you every time I screw my life up or get in a jam, or do something stupid, or can’t think of what I want to do next.
Well friend, a public education, followed by many semesters in the School of Hard Knocks and some post graduate dysfunction and a thesis on compulsive eating vs alcoholism made me an expert on just about every damn thang there is to know. For the rest, I use Wikepedia. So glad you continue to drink the Kool Aid of Krazy with me. 🙂
Now that you set it up as a challenge, I bet I could come up with at least 5,000 things that I have done that that would flabberghast you to the point of speechlessness and render you unable to give me any advice at all other than to say, ‘good luck with that’. My life is a chronicle of things that no one else ever thought of, or bothered to to try, or would have beleived. I am that original.
Did I do that? Set that up as a challenge? Um, I was really humblebragging about my qualifications as a know it all. Stole the world from Hotspur. LIke so many other things.
I agree that you are qualified to solve the problems of most of your fellow humans… and a great many of mine as well… but you have to let me keep some of my pomposity. I gave you back the tiara.
Just for using the word “pomposity” in a sentence, I bought and mailed you a tiara of your own. I don’t have to be the monarch of everything after all.
I hope is has a diamond skull on it.
Of course it does. It was the one on your Amazon wish list!
I think Conan has one just like it.
I think I’ve unofficially been disowned from my family. I foresee a lump of coal in my stocking next Christmas!
What???? I made one of these for my Dad, complete with a Bi-Centennial 1776 sticker (God, I’m old) when I was a kid,and it sat on his office desk full of pens and pencils until he died in 1988. What did you really expect me to do with $22?
I think I’m gonna go bet on some horses with that $22 — maybe I’ll double my budget!
Well, you asked for advice. Not my problem if you don’t take it, get disowned for showing up empty handed, lose your house to gambling debts, and be found in a puddle of your own vomit behind the Circle K. I’m shaking my head at you.
I’m shaking my head too…
🙂 Thanks for being the kind of pal I can say anything to without fear of (much) retaliation.
Get bent.
WELL! That’s WAY harsh!
I had to come back to this. I love Adlibbed’s!
“Clark, is your house on fire?”
“No Aunt Bethany.”
“Are we at the airport, Clark?”
Nice! I was thinking of that too.
Awesome! Good advice and Frank Sinatra. What a perfect morning. You solved problems, I’m suddenly cheerful, and I think a hot toddy is in order. Well done, Diva!
Thank you! Is that song just awful or is it me? I had never heard it before until Friday morning I heard it blaring in the grocery store. Must be one of Frank’s B sides.
I’m a freak. I love all Christmas music, and if it is sung by a crooner … I’m all in. 😉
Crooners, I love. But cheesy songs, not so much. I just had to draw the line on this one.
I think I just saw Michael Jackson in that video. Maybe it’s the hot toddy.
Really? It must be!
Hahaha … every time you respond to me, I come back and click the video and listen to it again. Michael Jackson is at 51 seconds. I’ll be here all day if I keep drinking.
I didn’t watch it that far. I was just listening, but I had the window hidden while I was linking. I thought it was just a Christmas picture. I’ll have to have a drink myself and go take a better look.
Ok, shoot me now. Can you see how many clicks that song gets? They’re all me. It’s stuck in my head for the day – even the drunken hiccup from Frank.
Are you kidding? I missed MJ AND a drunk hiccup? Am I going to have to listen again? And I only see one click. WP is smart enough to not count multiple clicks from the same user, so no I don’t see that you clicked on it 57 times, that’s just a guess. How many hot toddies have you had today? What exactly is a hot toddie in your book anyway? I would love the recipe. Is it something I can safely sneak into work?
Hot toddies have whiskey at their core, and they’re hot, and I really don’t like them. You’re not missing anything.
Oh, so whiskey in anything hot? That sounds like a recipe I could handle. I did just make some coffee. I do have some nasty $8 brandy-don’t ask why. That will have to do.
Dear Cheeky Diva, (by blogger Shapelle at http://1in12million.wordpress.com/
I already tell my mother (in NZ) that walking down almost any street here (in London) is like it’s 5pm… on Christmas Eve… All. The. Time. So how in sweet white baby Jesus’ name am I going to survive this month without getting all stabby-stabby-cut-cut when some strollers amble too slowly in front of me, or I can’t get out of the store once I’ve accomplished my run for wine and want to get to an acceptable place to drink it?
Yours bellyachingly,
All I want for Christmas is to walk down the footpath in a straight line.
Hello again! I think you should have your mother come for a visit so she can really feel what you are trying to tell her. I think you should stock up on your wine, so that there is a constant supply and you buy before you run out, so that the stress of going without doesn’t overwhelm you. And make sure you’ve had at least 4 or 5 glasses before you attempt to leave your home. That way, no matter how many people are in your path, you will feel like you are walking in a straight line, no matter what obstacles get in your way. Hope this helps!
This is most excellent advice, except for a couple of sticking points: 1) if there is more wine in my house, I will drink it all. 2) if my mother comes to town, she will drink it all. 3) then we will wax drunkenly lyrical about our childhoods (she’s a therapist… the angst rubs off), and then we will never leave the house. Oh wait… problem solved! Thanks Cheeky Diva!
Any time! 🙂
Perfect advice. You’re a natural. I think you’ve found your calling.
You’re too kind! I still need advice of my own though. Still can’t get John Cleese to follow me on Twitter, but the quest continues.
You have to push the pram a lot.
Cheeky, your cheap gift idea sounds great, but would be way more chic if he uses duct tape and skips the shoe polish. Or, you can spray paint almost anything, they even make spray paint for plastic, and it would be much, much faster. Really, get some shiny holiday spray paint and fishing line, plus 72 random small objects, and you can make ornaments for everyone.
As far as the athiest goes, since all the really fun parts of Christmas were adopted from preceding Pagan traditions, it seems perfectly reasonable that an athiest could continue them as well. The icing on the cake when I converted to Heathenry was 12 days of official festivity, instead of just 2 (from the evening before the Solstice to new years’ day).
Hi there! So glad you dropped by. I wanted had planned to answer your question from yesterday in next week’s post. I felt like I was getting a little too long, and felt bad that I didn’t get to yours. Thanks for you ideas for our friend with the large gift list. Maybe he will like your idea better than mine. 🙂
Thanks for the advice. A hypocrite for Xmas is something I can do. I’ve done it many times in the past and can continue that tradition happily.
Of course you can! Millions of others do it, but I trust you do it with style.
I look good doing it, it’s true.
For the guy that got his cords cut I would ask his family to pray to Jesus each day until Christmas that your neighbor is delivered incurable illness come Christmas Day. Jesus will hear your prayer. Praise him.
Thanks for your input. My mom always taught me to pray for my enemies, but I’m not sure this is exactly what she meant. But, hey, whatever works, right?
Hilarious. I would comment more but must start on repurposed soup cans as ‘shabby chic’ containers, which I am certain will become collectors items. LOL
They’re a winner!!!! Get to work already. If you’re good, maybe I’ll post instructions on making a wall hanging out of toilet paper rolls in the upcoming weeks.
I have told my family we are so using real toilet paper for a few weeks.
Um……I don’t even want to know what you use the rest of the time. Thanks for sharing?….I think.
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