Thanksgiving! The Most Bestest Day Of The Year!!!!

DISCLAIMER: The following post contains some snarky remarks that some may find offensive regarding religious Holidays and how they are observed. 

Yay! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I’m in a much better mood than I was when we last spoke.

Is that considered rapid-cycling?

Thanksgiving has always been one of my most favoritist Holidays.  It’s twice the cooking! Three times the dirty dishes! A houseful of savages, devouring every morsel of food, sometimes even the crumbs under the fridge, but you get the added bonus of absolutely no gifts!

It’s gonna be dry, I just know it’s gonna be dry.

That may not sound like fun, but look at it this way; other Holidays have all those irritating customs that no one thinks are fun except small children and old people. 

Let’s take Easter for example. Who really likes to dye Easter eggs? Come on? Like eggs don’t smell bad enough?  Nothing says “Welcome Back Jesus!”  like a house that stinks like eggs and vinegar. 

Easter, the only Holiday you can smell a mile away.

Old bluehaired ladies, crowding into  Denny’s, Perkins, Village Inn and every other fine dining establishment in their Easter bonnets.  All  primed with Poly-Grip, just salivating for a ham dinner and that all important senior discount.  Another Holiday where you can only plan on a decent meal if you cook it yourself. My son ruptured his appendix on Easter Sunday after falling off a trampoline.  See? Easter isn’t so great after all is it?

Did you see that? Hortence forgot her teeth!

And Christmas? You have all the cooking and all the dishes, but you also have to decorate, shop, wrap gifts, write cards, listen to carols, eat fruitcake, build a sculpture out of gingerbread and make a boatload of cookies, candies, sweetmeats and a nice Yorkshire pudding.

May Peace (and The Force) Be With You This Joyous Holiday Season

And if you unfortunately  happen to be plagued by a  bit of undigested beef, you are awakened in the middle of the night by the ghost of Boris Karloff so he can show you in eye-popping, black and white 2D what a colossal mess  you have made of your life. 

You’re such a screw up. Wanna see? Loser.

For the sake of argument, let’s all just agree that of the Big 3, Thanksgiving is the clear winner so I can move on and be all sappy and thankful.

What Thanksgiving Means To Me:

While I can’t be with everyone I would like to, I’m thankful that all of the people at my table tomorrow are people I love and want to be there.  And the menu is all my choosing. No pumpkin pie, and no yams, or sweet potatoes, or whatever they are. Aren’t they the same?  Anything that you can’t eat without burying under marshmallows just isn’t worth eating in my opinion. 

Shit! You can still see that there’s yams in there.

Even though there isn’t a lot of money for Christmas gifts, I’m thankful that I won’t be one of those people enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner of hot dogs and potato chips tent side while waiting for Target to open in the middle of the night.

Please make sure all grills, hibachis and chimeneas are extinguished before entering the store. Please leave all tongs, forks and other pointy things outside. We want a peaceful angry mob, ok? Happy shopping and let the games begin.

I miss when my kids were small enough to think Christmas was magical, but I’m thankful that the days of beating a woman twice my size with my purse for the last Tickle Me Elmo at  Wal-Mart are far behind me.

BITCH!!!! I saw it first! Hands off. I’ll cut you with the samurai sword I snuck past the security guard.

I’m also thankful that Mr. TheCheekyDiva and I gave ourselves a new TV for Christmas last year so that on Friday, we can lay around eating leftovers and watch football and  Sons Of Anarchy while the rest of the world works or shops.

What’s more festive than a gang of scary bikers engaging in illegal activities?

Last but not least, I’m thankful for the interweb, so I can Christmas shop from the convenience and privacy of my own home. Eating booze soaked cake and wearing nothing but bubble wrap if I damn well please, and no one will see me, because I’ll wait until Mr. TCD and the Wonder Mutt have gone to bed.  

They’re so cute when they’re sleeping, aren’t they?

What am I gonna buy? Why an Xbox of course, because nothing says “Welcome Baby Jesus!” like mowing down a hungry horde of zombies.

In search of that elusive Holiday treat…BRAAAAAIIIINNNNNNS

So tell me, what Holiday fun are you looking forward to? (Or avoiding)

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