Ice Cream Sandwich-making the tech impaired feel even dumber

I am from a simpler time.  Back in the day when phones had cords, were attached to the wall and if you were super cool, you had a “teen line.”   Those were the days when music was played on large, flat, black discs called “record albums”, and if you didn’t catch the latest episode of The Brady Bunch, too bad.  You had to pray you could catch it in re-runs.

I love technology and gadgets, as much or more than the next guy.  As long as the next guy is a moron.  I want the latest greatest, shiniest thing available,  even if I have no idea how to use it.  I should have known why I was getting such an incredible 2 for 1 deal on the last Blackberry I owned.   People were already oohing and aaahing over The Droid, but I poo-pooed the poor little Droid, because I had to have a real keyboard.  My one foot stuck in the past.  Those touchpad thingies just irritate me.  I can type like the wind on a mini keyboard, even with big meaty sausage fingers.   My husband has a Droid for work.  It’s a Droid2.  It has a keyboard.  A slider!  I was jealous when he got it.  The Blackberry started to look like last weeks leftovers.

By  buying what I think is cutting edge and putting blinders on until it’s abundantly clear that my latest device is woefully behind the curve, the Droid revolution happened right under my nose.  I let it slip by me while I was waiting  for a newer fancier one to be equipped with a keyboard as well.

Along comes the Droid 4, and the heavens opened up, and the angels sang.  I could now have a phone that did everything I wanted in a telephone.–Read books, play games, watch movies, listen to music, make video calls and.. what?  This thing makes phone calls?  How do I make it do that? ….All with a slick, sliding keyboard.

I am the Droid you’ve been looking for. ❤

So, we got our shiny new Droids in February.  I have to say this is a damn big phone.  My kids love remarking on its large size.  “Mom’s new phone is bigger than a Pop-Tart. ”   Oh whatever.  Do you want a free meal and a $20 on your way out the door?  Okay then, shut up, smarty pants.

I never miss an opportunity to throw this hilarious picture into something. I love Pop Tarts, and my childhood nickname was “Tard”

I was pretty stoked when we got these phones.  It really does just about everything.  Instead of watching Netflix on my ridiculously small laptop screen, I can now watch Netflix on the infinitely smaller Droid screen.  Gone are the days of holding a real book and turning those pages.  I can go blind scrolling through pages on my Droid using a Kindle app.  Why would I want to listen to music that carries through the house on my sa–weeet Sony Bravia Google TV, when I can carry around my 4 pound, Pop Tart sized phone and listen to the same thing on tinny headphones that keep popping out of my ears?  It is truly a wonder of tecknologee.

The Droid and I were just settling in to the comfort that comes with a relationship, when new grows into familiar, and exciting gives way to contentment.  The operating system, lovingly called Gingerbread was becoming second nature to me, and all was right with the world.

Noooooo! I have a broken arm AND I’m obsolete.

And then,  out of nowhere, like the facebook Timeline, Ice Cream Sandwich, the new and improved Droid OS was thrust upon me against my will.  I had heard it was soooo great.  I was happy, yet mildy reluctant when I got the notification to download the update or……or what?  I don’t remember having any options but to download the update.  Would I survive without my beloved Gingerbread?    After six battery draining hours of anticipation,  I was initially underwhelmed.  Everything looks different, feels different, tastes and smells different, and I am a sad little person.

I got a little pop up screen afterwards to tell me all the great features of the new Ice Cream Sandwich.  Most of which I have no use for, don’t understand, can’t find, or didn’t download at all.  In searching desperately for answers on Droid forums today, I did find out how to take a screen shot of my phone.  A useful little thing that will not come in handy at all after today’s blog post, in which I will subject you to a few of them.

The old phone “unlock” was a swiping motion.  I got to choose if I wanted to go to the phone functions, or the camera.  Not too bad, right?  Well, now I have a cute little key on my start up screen and have to choose from one of four options.  So, instead of one swipe to the right or left, I have to actually tap the screen two times, after I make this weighty decision, and most of the time, the screen shuts off before I can make up my mind.  But, thanks to the forums, I now know how to disable this top secret safety measure.    Would be phone bandits no longer have to climb the Mount Everest of security features to see what secrets lurk in my droid.  They don’t have to push the overly elaborate “key” button to unlock like they had to before.  I threw caution to the wind  and  just shut the damn thing off.

Fort Knox of cell phone security

Now, by simply pressing the power button,  anyone and everyone can see my closely guarded home screen, with all of my VERY important apps.  The ones I really need for my super high powered Type A lifestyle.

Can you see now why I am CEO of a Fortune 500 Company?

The small, dim notification icons have confirmed my need for long overdue lenses in my glasses.  The tossing away of all of my beloved alert tones for default tones has made me more appreciative of the Blackberry, which let you make just about any old thing into a ring tone for anybody.   The missing  shiny new camera app that was the one thing I  wanted most is really chapping me, and I have yet to figure out how to answer a phone call without disconnecting the other party before I can so much as say “hello”.

It’s pretty clear to me now why this was rolled out slowly.  I got my upgrade on Friday, and my husband got his yesterday.  I could hold his hand through this frustration, as I had already been living with it for two days, and on a larger scale, with the slow rollout, the pitchfork wielding villagers are probably descending on Verizon stores and kiosks in small numbers, instead of  large menacing herds.

While The Cheeky Diva blog does look pretty damn nice with this new OS, I mussay,  I have found little else that makes it worth my time.  Oh!  Except one new thing.  I have a post it note widget now.  That’s kind of nice.

9 thoughts on “Ice Cream Sandwich-making the tech impaired feel even dumber

  1. Ah! This post made me nostalgic for the days when I’d run up to the corner store, slide back the glass, and get an ice cream sandwich out of the freezer.

    Sadly, they never lasted long enough for me to call anyone… : (

  2. I can see I’m going to hit the “follow” button. My sister “groovylove” told me I just HAD to read your blog. Little did I know that reading just one post had me hook, line, and sinker. This is a great post. By the way, I haven’t gotten past my old Motorola Razr. The damned thing won’t give up!

  3. You know–all those credit hours at the old Hastings College were not wasted on thee! 🙂 ….someone would be proud….just can’t remember any of the English profs…..

  4. Just discovered your blog. Your writing is really humorous and very entertaining. You have brought me some big smiles on a morning that started out like the prank where someone places a paper bag containing doggie poo on your doorstep, lights it on fire and then rings the doorbell. This morning was making me grumpy, until I discovered your blog. Thanks for sharing your wit and charm with the world. You have inspired me to fire up my own blog, which I created last October and then got a day job and a night job and never blogged again. But now, I am inspired! I am off to write my blog. (Who needs sleep, anyway?)

    • Why thank you! How kind of you. I have little time to do much in the blogging world these days myself so I understand where you are coming from. I hope you find your voice and the time to listen to it and share with the rest of the world. I’ll be back soon with more ridiculous crap that no one needs to read….just watch. 😉

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